I'm Back, Baby!

It was recently brought to my attention that it has been way too long since I last ranted about nothingness.

I have lots of reasons for the lapse but the main one is honestly baby-related. First it was the fact that there was a "lack-there-of" in the baby department. That was hard to talk about. Next it was the whole "trying to find out the reason for the lack-there-of" which was equally tough.  Then it was the "dealing with the idea that the lack-there-of could be long term". And lastly, as a true testament to God's unfailing love, it was the lack of the lack-there-of! Victory! Blake and I are PREGNANT. Is this real life?

Being pregs is oddly surreal. First of all, there are sooo many things they don't tell you. And that's coming from someone who has read every "what they don't tell you about pregnancy" article she could get her hands on.  Secondly, you never realize the intense level of denial you can achieve about major life events. I swear I will be holding a baby while still 100% in complete denial it belongs to me. I was the same way after I got married.

One of the main things they don't tell you is the insane mind melt you go through... like the whole time. Sure, there are one million cautionary tales about the hellish roller coaster your body is about to take (although I personally believe "hellish" and "roller coaster" are one in the same). Nausea, headaches, fatigue, blah blah blah. Not one person told me I should just save myself some trouble and just invest in Clearblue, Inc. because I won't be sufficiently convinced of anything unless I blow through one of those $9 tests every 3 days.. no matter how far along I am. 

Why didn't they mention THAT in "What to Expect When You're Expecting"?

Don't get me wrong, the body stuff is definitely worth mentioning. My stomach was so bipolar it was honestly impressive. My pregnant brain has me putting the salt shaker in my microwave and writing "black sugar" on my grocery list... whatever that is.

But any preggo (or poor husband of a preggo) will tell you that the mental stuff is light years worse than any physical symptoms. The weeks between 5 and 8 were the longest of my life. I literally split my time between lying to my friends and family about the kind of "clear vodka" I have mixed with my Sprite, pinning nursery ideas on Pinterest, and googling the likelihood of miscarriage at that exact week. 

I am completely distracted. Who knows how any work gets done? I barely lean against the sink while doing dishes and feel like I need a sonogram to make sure I didn't do any damage. I feel like I'm attempting to carefully walk around with a way-too-full mug of hot coffee.. all the time. It's terrifying. The lack of control is the worst part. I have to literally give it to God to get to sleep every night. And the poor spouses just can't possibly understand or navigate the "hurt locker" level of danger surrounding our mental state.

Everyone is quick to chalk it up to hormones but it's not the hormones causing irrational thoughts because every fear we obsess over is entirely rational! It's ironic that I spend my time worrying something will go wrong, shopping for the never-ending amount of STUFF that comes with having a baby, or being in denial that I actually AM pregnant at all. After all, I could just be getting fat. And the whole "multiple sonograms" thing could just be an elaborate scheme by the doctor in an attempt to scam us out of an exorbitant amount of money.

Since the gender reveal (we are having a BOY) and the recent arrival of a baby bump, I have started to accept the reality just enough to be frustrated and disappointed with the limited fashion options available to expectant mothers. Spoiler alert -  you can blindly order online based on a photo of some fake-pregnant stock model who is 6 months further along than you are OR you can head down to the nearest maternity store which is crazy overpriced and usually filled with boring patterns, dated fabrics, and 1 of 6 total silhouettes someone decided was flattering in the 1950's. Neither of those options has me anxious to embrace my new body and replace my current wardrobe. The options are limited and completely unrealistic. 

At the risk of opening myself up to cautions about Zika in the most beautiful and exotic places, I will mention that we are going to Cancun next month thanks to my company's president's club trip. Yes, I discussed the risks with a medical practitioner or 2 and I feel confident in our ability to enjoy 4 days on the beach completely slathered in deet bug spray and sun screen. However, this trip did lead us to one terrible need - maternity swimwear. 

I have never had the flattest stomach in the world but I will work just hard enough on my fitness to throw on a 2 piece and hit the pool throughout the summer as much as possible. This means I don't have anything appropriate for pregnant beachwear unless I want to look like a beached whale. Swim suit shopping is always a woman's worst nightmare but PREGNANT swimsuit shopping really takes the cake.

I was directed by some friends to Target - who has shrunk their maternity section to literally 12 items (none of them being swim suits). This is probably due to the majority of preggos accepting their fates and just ordering everything online. Needless to say, it was not a fruitful outing. I decided to bite the bullet and spend whatever was necessary to get a good one from a maternity store.

Cut to me standing discouraged in a maternity store dressing room wondering how my life brought me to this very depressing body-shaming moment. If i was a crier, this would have been the time to do it.

Apparently, due to concerns over whether or not breast support could lead to duct issues, the swimsuits are made with ZERO wire, cups, etc. This leaves folks who specifically increase size in their chestal region at this time in their life with zero support or sense of confidence while they desperately attempt to stay cool throughout their summer pregnancy. 

I tried on all 8 styles they had - even the terrible dated patterns and fabrics we discussed - and found the same to be true of every last one. No support! I was told by the ever-helpful store employee that  I could always "go online" if I wanted more options. Well sadly, online clothes-buying is more of a proportionate woman's game. I finally broke down and went to a regular store, went 3 sizes up, and prayed to God they would stretch enough to get my through the summer - or at least the trip. I had to buy a floppy hat and a bubble tea to cheer myself up!

I DO want to stress one thing. After almost 18 months of failed baby attempts, we are so thrilled it's finally our turn. I hope that's not lost in the rantings about things like swim wear. It IS the truth no one tells you though. And what are occasionally-offensive blunt people for if not to warn you of these things along the way?

It's good to be back, folks :)